Everyone wants to help the kids in their life be resilient. But what are the practical things we can actually do to encourage strategies that can help young people cope with stress, handle disappointment, and develop a growth mindset? We’ve rounded up some of the best tips and tricks from contemporary research studies, and a few of them might surprise you. See, resilience, long defined as “bouncing back from adversity” isn’t an individually-developed trait; in fact, studies are finding more and more that resilience depends not in independence, but on collaboration, connection, and relationships.
First, it’s important to understand that resilience, like mindfulness, is not a fixed trait, which means that it can be developed. Humans grow in resilience by confronting challenges and facing failure or disappointment and not running from those encounters, but instead remaining curious, open, and friendly to ourselves and the situation. This is easier said than done, but Pause Breathe Smile concepts like dropping anchor with mindful breathing and mindful movement and noticing and challenging unhelpful thoughts both help us tolerate discomfort and self-regulate. Children grow stronger in part due to developing skills and attitudes like optimism, self-awareness, self-compassion, and patience not through things being handed to them easily, but by facing situations where they reach a growth edge, lose, or fall short.
Second, to help children develop resilience, we need to see the role that we play in trying to protect them or in dismissing their emotional responses to difficulty. For example, if a child is upset about the outcome of a sporting event, we do them a disservice if we don’t pause and acknowledge the understandable feelings they are experiencing: of disappointment, frustration, anger, and/or sadness. What supports resilience is holding space in that moment, not rushing them along with “at least” silver-linings messages. Instead, we model effective emotion regulation by validating what they are feeling by saying something like, “it makes sense that you feel that way; I get it.” Do this before attempting to steer the conversation toward what they have learned or what was good about the situation. This avoids bypassing and instead shows the child it’s possible to both acknowledge an unpleasant emotion and to learn something helpful from the situation.
Third, we grow resilience when we fully embrace the reality that there are things within our control and many things outside of our control. Like Lesson 4, “The Rise and Fall of Emotion”, illustrates, we often may find ourselves triggered by things we cannot control: the behavior or words of others, the weather, other drivers on the road, etc. Resilience is rooted in personal responsibility, of seeing what our part in something is, and in building the skills needed to navigate the storms of life. In practical terms, this is something that children can practice in communities of learning, with siblings/family members, and the broader world. Asking, “what can I control in this situation? What choices are available to me?” can help head-off victim mindset where a person sees everything through a lens of being the recipient of life instead of an active participant. This is a life-long practice, but we can use it and model it ourselves with our tamariki.
Last, remember that the research of Barbara Fredrickson finds that the ideal ratio of “Green Zone” to “Red Zone” feelings is 3:1 up to 8:1. Of course we need to have Green Zone moments, and to notice them with gratitude, but Red Zone experiences show us our growth edge: what we need to learn, work on, and strengthen. They also show us when we need to take a break, find out some more information to help on our venture, or ask for help.
Resilience isn’t developed individually, nor is it grown by playing it safe and staying in our bubbles. Resilience, like the strong cells of wood in a growing tree, is grown from adversity, disappointment, and difficulty. The right amount, with social support, encouragement, and tools for navigating emotional and mental responses to our lives, is just what children need to grow in flexibility, adaptiveness, self-knowledge, and emotion regulation skills.
